"Your" Wedding Ceremony
March 10, 2014
So here you are, you’re engaged and planning your wedding. The gown you have chosen is “you”, the venue is the perfect place, the meal and cocktail hour reflect your desires and the choice of music is perfect for all your guests to enjoy. Every detail is unique to you and your soon to be spouse. Oh? What about the wedding ceremony?
Over the years, as both a guest and an Officiant, I’ve attended more weddings than I can remember. If I had to put a figure on it, I’d say that at least 80% were the same. Same opening, same vows, same ring exchange and same closing. It’s called a cookie cutter ceremony. Nothing different from your parents or their parent’s weddings. It’s called tradition.
Most couples just follow suit with their church because “that’s the way it’s done”. Unfortunately it’ll always be that way unless you speak up and ask two questions. These two questions can make the difference between a ho-hum wedding and one that your guests may never forget.
1.WHERE CAN WE GET MARRIED?
The first thing you need to decide is where you and your fiancé want to be married. Here’s where you need to start thinking outside the box. Think about what you both enjoy. What are you both known to do, etc. etc.
If you’re planning on a church wedding, keep in mind that while some churches allow for outdoor weddings there are those that do not. Some churches that do allow the wedding to take place outdoors will do so only if it’s on church property. Why? When you think about it, aren’t these the same people who have been teaching since you were a child that “God is EVERYWHERE”? Maybe posing that question to your priest, minister or rabbi would be worth the effort.
For those who are not associated with a church or want to break away from tradition you have the world at your feet. You can hire an Officiant to host your ceremony (Be sure to read my blog “Selecting the Right Wedding Officiant “). After speaking to the Officiants you interview, you’ll quickly find that you’re not locked into any specific location. Most, if not all Officiants, will perform your ceremony almost anywhere your heart desires. While weddings are most often held at the venue hosting the reception, many others are held on beaches, in parks, at McDonalds or Costco, in your back yard, at home in front of your fireplace, etc.. Not long ago, I had the pleasure of uniting a couple in a firehouse right in front of the hook and ladder. I have also performed a ceremony at a Halloween Party much to the surprise of the guests. You can be married anywhere you wish. The sky’s the limit - literally if you’re a skydiver!
2.CAN WE CREATE OR CHANGE OUR WEDDING CEREMONY?
The answer to this should be “Yes”. Like everything else you’ve been working on for your wedding to be perfect, the ceremony should also reflect the personalities and the relationship of the bride and groom as well. By choosing to do something different and incorporate a unique ceremony the bride and groom create a celebration all their own.
The ceremony can be as traditional as you wish or as personal as you wish. It can be a combination of tradition elements and personal elements that reflect your loves, passions and life style.
Many couples chose the traditional structure and wording of the wedding ceremony. You know how it goes; “To have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do us part.” I’ll admit, there’s something very sacred about repeating the same words cited by all of those who have entered marriage before you. However, there is nothing stopping you from incorporating your own words into the ceremony and possibly a surprise for your new spouse as well.
I encourage couples to write their own vows. I also suggest they each write a pledge they wish to make to each other. The pledge can remain a secret until a specific moment of the ceremony. An example of this would be during the ring ceremony; “I give this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment to you.” then recite the personal pledge finishing with; “With this ring, I thee wed.”
Although I have not had the opportunity to do it myself, I have read where at the beginning of the ceremony, there is a Declaration of Intent for the bride and grooms families. Instead of the father giving away the bride, the Officiant will ask their families to stand and will charge them to uphold the marriage, to pray for and encourage the couple, so that they may fulfill the vows they make to one another. These days a marriage has a difficult time surviving on its own. The couple needs community, family, and friends to support, encourage, and be there for them when times get tough.
The ways to make your ceremony your own are endless. Your Officiant should provide you with as much support and assistance as he/she can. I personally believe that making your ceremony your own is more important than the food, the music or not sitting Aunt Clara next to Uncle Charlie.
Remember that your ceremony is much more than some words you repeat before you get to eat drink and be merry. It’s your promise to care for, to protect and cherish the person standing by your side.
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I’d like to hear the ways in which you are planning or have planned your ceremony. What is or was your favorite element or most memorable moment in your ceremony or the ceremonies you’ve attended?
Selecting the Right Officiant
February 07, 2014
OK, you’re getting married, you’ve settled on a location and a date. Now, who is going to marry you?? While some couples go to their local church, others do not. But how do you find the person who is right for you?
Selecting the right person to perform your wedding ceremony can make the difference between a great ceremony and an OK ceremony. Either way it will be memorable. The question is; How will your wedding ceremony be remembered?
Here is a list of questions I’ve compiled that you should consider asking before signing a contract with an Officiant. These questions can be asked on your initial call before you actually meet. Based on the answers you receive, you may want to move forward with this person or move on to the next one on your list.
Contract? Do I really need a contract?
Simply put, Yes! You need to protect yourself and your wedding day. Your contract is your guarantee that you get what you and your Officiant have agreed to. Contracts are somewhat flexible so don’t be afraid to ask for something to be included in it.
How much do you charge to perform a wedding ceremony?
Fees vary depending on who is performing, the day of the ceremony, the type of ceremony, the amount of work the Officiant has to do to prepare the ceremony. From what I’ve seen, the fees can range from $100.00 to $950.00.
What is included in your fees?
Some Officiants call them “Packages” and charge accordingly. Reverend Frank has 2 types of wedding ceremony services. One for a simple civil ceremony (not to be confused with New Jersey’s Civil Union) and one for a full service ceremony. A Civil ceremony would include the ceremony and filing the license. As you go up the ladder with fees, you can expect more from your Officiant.
Do you offer any discounts?
It never hurts to ask this question. Some Officiants offer a discount for active military personnel. All you have to do is ask.
How many weddings do you officiate a year?
2 or 2,000, what difference does it make? What really makes the difference is if the Officiant is doing this out of love for his/her work or is it just a way of making a living. You have to remember that the Officiant, or anyone you hire, is actually interviewing for a job. Rather than ask a question that you may or may not get a straight and honest answer to, ask for references and don’t be afraid to contact those references. You want a memorable ceremony don’t you? Remember, you’re the boss!
What makes you different from other local wedding Officiants? Why should I hire you?
Again, this question needs to be asked of the references but you should ask the Officiant as well.
What are your standard payment terms?
Get this information up front and make sure it’s in the contract in a way that’s comfortable for you.
How far are you willing to travel? Is there a travel fee? Do you require an overnight stay?
Officiants are typically in business and must cover their time and expenses. As such each has a different value on his/her time. Again, find out up front and make sure it’s all laid out in the contract. Need to stick to a budget? Ask your caterer to recommend some local Officiants.
What kind of pre-wedding counseling is required, if any?
While most Officiants do not require any pre-wedding counseling, some do. If at my first meeting with the couple I sense something that I think may need attention, I will suggest pre-wedding counseling.
How long after the ceremony do you file for the official marriage license?
Believe it or not, some Officiants wait until the final payment check clears and if it doesn’t clear, refuse to submit the license until payment is made. Most municipalities have a time limit on submission of the license. Contact your local clerk and get this information first hand and be sure it’s included in the contract.
What documents do I need to bring to our first meeting?
At the very least, the bride and groom must bring photo ID. This is required for legal reasons so that the Officiant can verify you are who you say you are. Other than that, if you have an idea of type of ceremony, readings, etc, by all means bring them along.
Will you marry couples of different faiths or previous divorce?
There really isn’t much to be said here. Either the Officiant does or doesn’t. If either different faiths or divorce applies to you, find out on your initial contact.
How long does the ceremony usually last?
Some Officiants are out to break the land speed record and I’ve actually seen postings where the ceremony was completed in 3 minutes 48 seconds. The length of the ceremony depends on the ceremony, vows, readings, etc. There is no set value but you should figure on somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes.
Do you normally attend the reception?
Some Officiants do and some don’t. This is something that should be done by invitation and not expectation. If you want your Officiant to attend then extend the invitation. Personally, I wouldn’t stay for the dinner but would consider the cocktail hour to congratulate the couple and say hello to the guests.
Do you have a back up Officiant on call, in case of an emergency?
This is a very important question and the answer must be YES! The last thing you want is to hear that the Officiant can’t make the ceremony due to accident, breakdown or whatever. Also, it should be confirmed that the backup Officiant has a copy of the ceremony and that he/she will be available in an emergency.
Will you allow us to write our own vows?
It’s your day not the Officiants. Keep in mind that some Officiants have “cookie cutter” ceremonies. You should be able to modify your ceremony, vows, readings, etc. as you wish. A word of caution is that some Officiants will charge an extra fee for this service.
Can we read or hear your ceremony before our wedding day?
Every ceremony should be finalized and agreed to by the bride, groom and Officiant at least a week before hand.
In which states and communities are you licensed to officiate ceremonies?
Just because someone has been ordained does not mean that every municipality will accept them. Some cities, counties, town, etc require an Officiant to register. You should contact the clerk of the municipality you are going to be married in and ask what is required. The last thing you want is to find out after the fact that you’re not married.
I sincerely hope this has helped you in your quest for the Right Officiant. If you find you need more information please contact me.
Who to Contact to Change Your Name
August 19, 2013
Here is a list of some agencies that you may need to notify in the event of a name change.
Check with the agency to see what they require as legal proof.
Social Security Card
Driver's License
Car Registration and Title
Insurance Policies
Leases or Rental Agreements
Bank Accounts
Stock and Mutual Funds
Retirement Plans
Insurance Policies
Wills and Powers of Attorney
Passports
Voter Registration
Post Office Name Change Form
Employee ID
School ID
Sorority or Fraternity Organization
Alumni Association
Library Card
Membership Cards
Employee Records, W2s and Paychecks
Subscriptions
Doctors' Records
Utility Companies
Telephone and Cell Phone Companies
Credit Cards
Business Cards
Children's School Records
Security Company (codes and passwords)
Anatomy of a Wedding Ceremony
January 17, 2012
A wedding ceremony can take many forms. Each ceremony contains the same basic parts. A wedding ceremony can take from less than minutes to over an hour. The longest would contain an introduction, “Speak Now…”, a definition or discussion of marriage, at least 3 different vows (Preliminary, wedding and ring), multiple readings, acknowledgement of any children, Children’s Vows, the wedding theme, the pronouncement, the announcement and introduction of the couple to the guests.
All that said; let’s look at some of the different types of ceremonies.
Ceremony Types
·Civil Ceremony - A Civil Ceremony is the simplest of all. It usually takes only a couple of minutes and is nothing more than the wedding vows (“Do you take…”) and pronouncement of the couple being husband and wife.
·Simple Ceremony - A Simple Ceremony is basically a Civil Ceremony with ring vows and possibly preliminary vows added.
·Full Ceremony - A Full ceremony includes an Introduction, preliminary vows, wedding vows, ring vows, readings and the pronouncement.
·Theme Ceremonies - Theme Ceremonies can be the most elaborate. Start with a full ceremony and incorporate any matter of unity you both wish. The following are some of the Theme Ceremonies I have performed.
·Rose Ceremony - the bride and groom each receive a rose and after a reading about the rose is given the opportunity to exchange roses.
·Unity Candle Ceremony - Three candles are placed on a table. One is a large candle and the other two are tapers. The tapers are lit and one given to the bride and one to the groom. The couple unites their flames to light the larger candle.
·Unity Cross Ceremony - this is the newest and probably the most expensive of unity ceremonies. The unity cross is comprised of 6 pieces. The base (with an engraved name plate), an outer rigid cross an inner ornate cross and 3 pegs. The groom takes the outer cross and places it in the base. The bride takes the ornate cross and places it within the grooms cross. The groom takes a peg and places it in the arm on the bride’s side and the bride does the same on the grooms side. Together they place the last peg in the top of the cross symbolizing they are one. After the wedding, the couple has the cross as a sculpture to be displayed in the home.
·Wine Ceremony - The wine ceremony consists of 3 wine glasses and 2 bottles of wine. One bottle is for the bride and the other for the groom. The Groom pours his bride a glass of wine and she pours one for the groom. These glasses of wine represent their individual lives. Optionally, each may sip from their own glass as in a toast. They will each pour some of their wine into the 3rd glass. They then each sip from the third glass symbolizing they are now one.
·Civil Union - Although New Jersey does not recognize same sex marriages, the state does approve of a Civil Union ceremony. This ceremony can take the form of any ceremony and is only different by the simple fact that the couple is not pronounced to be husband and wife.
Now that we have an idea of the types of ceremonies, let’s go back to all those items I listed above that make up a wedding ceremony.
Ceremony Components
Below is a list of components that can make up a wedding ceremony. It is by no means a complete list. The ceremony is only limited by your imagination.
Thirteen of the following 15 items are optional. There are really only 2 parts of a wedding that are required. They are the wedding Vows and the Pronouncement.
From the list below, you can create the perfect wedding ceremony. Be sure to discuss the components you want as well as any new thoughts of your own.
·Introduction - This is basically the “We are gathered here today…”
·The Father (Family) presentation of the Bride or support of the couple - Also known as “Who gives this woman to this man?” Personally I don’t feel any woman is property so I use the phrase “offers” or “presents” this woman. The family of the bride can also become a part of the ceremony by asking them to stand and asking them collectively who offers and supports this bride. The family responds.
·Speak Now…” - This offers the opportunity for let anyone who may object to the wedding to speak up.
·Marriage Definition - The gives the Officiant to speak about the meaning of a marriage.
·Reading - optional
·Preliminary Vows - Before actually saying “I Do”, this gives the bride and groom the opportunity to express their personal feelings.
·Reading - optional
·Wedding Vows - this is the “Do you?”, “I Do.”
·Acknowledge of Children - This gives couples who have children the opportunity to make acknowledge them making them part of the ceremony.
·Children Vows - The parent (s) are asked if they accept the children and the children are asked if they support the marriage.
·Ring Vows - The vows repeated as the couple places the rings on each others finger.
·Optional Theme Ceremony - At his point, the theme portion of the wedding is performed symbolizing unity of the couple.
·Pronouncement - The Officiant pronounces the couple husband and wife. The Civil Union pronouncement is typically pronounces the couple as a “United Couple”
·Kiss the Bride - “Groom and Bride, you may now seal your promises with a kiss”
·Introduction - Officiant introduces the bride and groom as Mr. & Mrs. for the first time. I usually introduce the couple as “…I present to you for the first time, Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Doe”
So there you have it, the Anatomy of a Wedding Ceremony. There is a lot more to be said but not enough room here to say it. Take what I have given you here and run with it. By all means, if you create a component of your own, please take a moment to send it to me.
Why the Wedding Ring is on the 4th Finger
January 03, 2012
Have you ever wonder why the wedding ring is placed on the forth finger or ring finger? The following is a nice Chinese explanation regarding it and the representation of each finger.
·The Thumb represents your parents
·The Index finger represents your siblings
·The Middle finger represents your self
·The Ring finger represents your life partner
·The Little finger represents children
Now, put your palms together and bend both of your middle fingers in so that you can hold your two middle fingers back-to-back. Now, hold all other fingers tip-to-tip.
If you try to separate your thumbs which represent your parents, you will find that this can be done easily. This is because your parents are not destined to live with you forever.
Placing your thumbs back together, you can also open your index finger because your siblings who are your brothers and/or sisters are going to leave you to have their separate lives and maybe build their own family.
Placing your index fingers back together, you will find that you can also open your little fingers that represent your children. Your children will also be building their own separate lives and possibly settle with a family of their own.
Finally, place your little fingers back together and try to separate your ring fingers. Try as you may, you can't. As a husband and wife, you are destined to be together for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death separate you both.
You can see the explanation in a YouTube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MatcQT3X1d4